How to go from online group to friend

Making real-life adult friends isn’t easy. Making internet friends in a group can feel easier, but how do you find an online friend you can transition to an in-person friend?

Do people that spend time meeting people online know the movie Single White Female? Am I dating myself? Probably.

Here is the gist. Two women meet, one gets obsessed with the other and starts doing everything to look and act like the other. It was a creepy thriller that was likely before your time.

Stopping short of turning into that crazy stalker type is some pretty obvious advice of what not to do.

It’s not as obvious how to attract people you will genuinely enjoy hanging out with and getting to know.

There is no shortage of online groups. Facebook, Nextdoor, and many other platforms exist to “help you connect”. Problem is in the grand scheme of things this is new and everyone is figuring it out on the fly. Worse, there isn’t as much connecting going on as you would think. The people that pull off making online friends in-person friends might not even realize what they did to make it work.

You can be done and it is easier than you think to stand out and attract the right people. Let’s go through the steps that will help you land some quality friends from your online groups.

Before you join a group You should know what kind of friends you want.

Show up in the groups with purpose

Join as many groups as you want/need. Know why you are joining them. If you are joining the people that love Boston Terriers group because you love cute pictures of Boston Terriers awesome. That’s why you are in that group and you can interact as much or as little as you want there.

Join your local mom group to meet friends and you are going into that with a very different purpose.

Unlike the dog group, you are going to have to get in the comments and mingle. You will need to start the conversation. Use open-ended questions people have to answer with more than the name of their favorite taco stand or brand of diaper cream.

Post consistently

Posting or commenting once a month or whenever that group shows up on your feed ain’t gonna cut it. You need to be in that group on the regular. It should be one of your first stops and you want to scroll all the posts for areas where you can comment and engage with other members.

A lot of Facebook groups now have little badges that go by your name. You are shooting for rising star and conversation starter. Without that, you aren’t showing up often enough to really find people.

Get specific about what you want

If you are going to post it should look more like this:

I am looking for a local friend to meet up at parks so the kids can play and we can drink coffees and talk about Netflix binges, home decorating, and our kid’s bathroom habits. Thinking once or twice a month. Send me a DM so we can compare Netflix binges.

And less like this:

I am new to town and looking for friends to get coffee with so we can have some adult conversation. Send me a DM

Be ready to commit

The number one complaint I heard when I talked to stay-at-home moms that were trying to meet friends was “I keep getting ghosted or canceled on.“

If you truly want to make friends then this has to be a priority. You have to show up, reasonably on time even if the kids are driving you crazy and the baby is teething.

Clear expectations shared

There are obviously certain situations where you will need to cancel or won’t return a text within minutes.

If you aren’t clear with your new friend about how quickly you typically return text messages or when it ok to cancel then disappointment is very possible. The clearer you can get about how you expect this relationship to go and give them a chance to add their expectations the smoother this will go. Fewer disappointments and more trust.

Know how to breakup

These are relationships you are trying to create as a complex emotional being with another complex emotional being. Sure as shit all these people you start to get to know won’t be lifetime besties.

You are going to have to get clear on how you express “I don’t think this friendship is working the way we expected.” or “I need to prioritize other things in my life right now.”

Set up clear expectations at the beginning and the break up is easier. Just don’t go ghosting someone.

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